timeless.

sorry for the vomit inducing title.

after so many years i realize its finally ok to talk about my first love.

i came to america when i was 8 and started elementary school soon after. when i was 10, my family moved to our current home and i attended my 5th grade in a new school. and that when i fell in love.

even though my self esteem was low due to culture and language barriers. the popular girls in my class took me under their wings ..... i think it was due to pity because i really don't know why they hung out with me...i was chubby and my english was poor. even though their action still baffles me to this day, they were wonderful people and i have nothing but gratitude towards them.

with the help of the popular girls, my confidence grew, and during that time, i developed a crush on this boy. lets call him harrison(<--not his real name -.- ). what did i like about him? everything. his smile, his wit, his kindness, his humbleness...and cuteness...duh.

one day something changed my life forever. i was in the lunch line getting my food when i remembered that i've forgotten my lunch money. i was terribly bummed out on having to eat a pb&j sandwich (i havent gotten used to pb&j yet) instead. harrison, standing in front of me in the line, gave me his lunch money and picked up the pb&j sandwich himself. i initially reject his money but he insisted. that was the moment i realized i loved him.

our annual square dance was coming up and i wanted to ask him. i even told one of my best friends at that time. but she told me that she likes harrison too and that she thinks he likes her back. it wasnt long until they became a couple, just in time for the square dance. what made the experience even worse was that there were 4 people in each square dance group. it was me, a partner assign to me, my best friend and harrison. i had to watch him dance with my best friend right in front of me.

they eventually broke up that year. my best friend and i drifted apart over the years of middle school and high school. but my love towards harrison havent diminished a bit. everybody knew i liked him, he knew it too. but through out middle school i never got a clear response. i had no idea what he thought about me. there were never any direct confrontations. this was very abusive to my self esteem. those were the years when i developed a hunch and i thought i had no self worth, i thought i was ugly, fat and too asian in a negative sense. those 3 years of middle school were tough. even now i still don't understand why anyone would like me now because harrison never did.

i was still smittened by him in high school years even though i rarely get to see him. but by junior year, i no longer hold any more romantic feelings for him. i really have no reason as to why i didn't like him anymore. time corrodes a lot of things including love.

but somethings never change. if i saw him today randomly, my heart will skip a few beat, my chest will tighten, my hands will sweat and i will probably stutter. to me, harrison will always be someone who is beyond my reach. the one person who i wanted the most but never gotten and will never get. he's the daisy to my gatsby.

i want to thank him for existing. i have been in a few relationships and immediately after getting out of those relationships, i'd think that those individual relationships were the best memories of my life and that loves like those will never happen again. but truly, loving harrison was the best thing that had ever happened to me.

even if i found someone to spend the rest of my life with. even if my life is a happily-ever-after, i know that the 6 years of fruitless love was the sweetest time of my life.

afterall, an open ending book is so much more satisfying than happily-ever-after fairytale.

oh i hope he and his loved ones are doing well.

OMG one time i was riding the school bus. at the traffic light another bus pulled up besides ours and i looked through the window. THERE HE WAS! we had like eye contact through the bus window. one of the happiest memories. at that time i thought it was a sign that we'll be together forever. haha.